Few events hit home for children and families like a school shooting. When children see such an event on television or on Web-based news flashes, it is natural for them to worry about their own school and their own safety, particularly if the violence occurred nearby or in a neighboring city or state.

Talk to your children

Psychologists who work in the area of trauma and recovery advise parents to use the troubling news of school shootings as an opportunity to talk and listen to their children. It is important, say these psychologists, to be honest. Parents should acknowledge to children that bad things do happen, but also reassure them with the information that many people are working to keep them safe, including their parents, teachers and local police.

Young children may communicate their fears through play or drawings. Elementary school children will use a combination of play and talking to express themselves. Adolescents are more likely to have the skills to communicate their feelings and fears verbally. Adults should be attentive to a child's concerns, but also try to help the children put their fears into proportion to the real risk. Again, it is important to reassure children that the adults in their lives are doing everything they can to make their environment — school, home and neighborhood — safe for them.

Parents, teachers and school administrators also need to communicate with one another not only about how to keep kids safe, but about which children might need more reassurance and the best way to give it to them.

Limit exposure to news coverage

Parents should also monitor how much exposure a child has to news reports of traumatic events, including these recent school shootings. Research has shown that some young children believe that the events are reoccurring each time they see a television replay of the news footage.

Know the warning signs

Most children are quite resilient and will return to their normal activities and personality relatively quickly, but parents should be alert to any signs of anxiety that might suggest that a child or teenager might need more assistance. Such indicators could be a change in the child's school performance, changes in relationships with peers and teachers, excessive worry, school refusal, sleeplessness, nightmares, headaches or stomachaches, or loss of interest in activities that the child used to enjoy. Also remember that every child will respond to trauma differently. Some will have no ill effects; others may suffer an immediate and acute effect. Still others may not show signs of stress until sometime after the event.

For more information, go to the APA Help Center.

If your student is navigating a loss, here are 12 ways to help:

1.  Offer opportunities to talk about death and loss as they  experience it in everyday life.

2.  Include youth in rituals whenever possible and appropriate. 

3.  Share your expressions of sadness and pain. 

4.  Be available to listen. 

5.  Pay attention to a youth’s behavior and let them know when  you notice a change. 

6.  Answer all questions about death and loss as honestly as possible. 

7.  Be willing to wonder and explore answers to their questions. 

8.  Face your own feelings of grief. 

9.  Do not isolate or insulate young people from grief. Remember  grief is normal. 

10. Continue to expect a young person to function. Be firm, yet  gentle and kind. 

11. Find help for youth who need it. Refer to support groups or  counseling as needed. 

12. Continue to be available over time. Remember grief will be revisited throughout their lives. Reach out and continue to care, just as you are now! 

Finding the Right Words

Expressions to Use:

• I am sorry for your pain.
• I am sorry about  X’s death, and I’d like to help in any way I can. 
• I am here for you whenever you need me. 
• I can’t know how you feel, but I want to help you in any way I can.

Expressions to Avoid: 

• I understand/know how you feel.    
• Move on ‐ get over it. 
• You must be over it by now. 
• You’re doing such a wonderful job!    
• It could be worse, you still have …. 
• You’ll be strong because of this. 
• It was G‐d’s will. 
• X is in a better place.

(Adapted from Laura Bray Harting, CSW (1995), The Center of Living with Loss)

While many children are initially exposed to the rituals associated with Memorial Services through the death of older relatives, the first experience for other children may be through the death of a friend or peer. And although memorial rituals are obviously tied to culture, ethnicity, and religion and reflect many variations in the actual activities that take place, there is generally a consistency in the concerns children experience about attending 
memorial events. 
 
Unfortunately, for us as parents, our children may not be able to articulate these concerns. Even teenagers may be embarrassed to acknowledge their uneasiness about going to Memorial Service activities. So here are some simple guidelines to help you sensitively broach a conversation about Memorial Service attendance and understand and address what may be your child’s unspoken concerns: 

1. First, defuse your own anxiety about talking about death and Memorial Services by remembering that most of your child’s concerns come from being exposed to an unfamiliar situation. While there may certainly be questions about what happens when we die, this does not have to be that kind of conversation. This is simply a way of helping prepare your child for another new life experience. If you frame it in this context, it doesn’t become such a big deal and it fits in more easily with more common parenting discussions. 

2. In any unknown situation, understanding what will happen is the easiest way to feel prepared. Describe what the experience will be like in as much detail as possible. Consider saying something like what this parent explained to her middle school son:

“When we go into the church for the Memorial Service, there may be a book at the door where we can sign our names so Jamie’s family will know we came to visit. We’ll probably have to wait in a long line because lots of other people will be there, too. Jamie’s family will be in the front of the room. Sometimes after the service, people are asked to walk by them to tell them how sad we are that Jamie died. Sometimes people will tell them a story about Jamie- how much they liked him, or what they did  together. You can think about this and see what you feel like saying if we are asked to speak with the family.  If you don’t want to say anything, that’s okay, too. There may be lots of pictures of Jamie and his family and friends and may even be things in the room that he loved like sports equipment or artwork that he created around the room. If you want, we can take a look at these before we leave. Do you have any questions?” 

This step-by-step review of the process paints a mental picture that allows your child to mentally rehearse attendance at the actual event. The anxiety and worry about the unknown will be immediately diminished when your child enters the Memorial Service and sees a similar picture to the one you have described. This behavioral rehearsal works well for younger children, but even older children can benefit from similar explanations. 

3. Acknowledge worries about looking silly or saying something stupid by making them universal and providing an example of what your child can say. “You know, most people worry about saying something silly or stupid at Memorial Services because it’s so hard to know the right things to say or do. The best rule is to keep it simple. ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or ‘I’m sorry Jamie died’ is absolutely enough!” 

4. Memorial Services, especially those of children, tend to be pretty emotional events, and children may worry that they’ll be upset. Be honest, validate the feeling but outline an escape. “You know, a lot of people do get upset at Memorial Services. What happened is very sad, so crying is a really normal reaction and most people are so caught up in their own feelings that they’re really not paying any attention to anyone else. But, I’ll carry some extra tissues with me just in case you or I need one. And if you change your mind about staying, just let me know and we can leave at any time.” 

5. For whatever reason, some children may balk at going to a Memorial Service. Let it be. If a child is forced to attend, it transforms the child’s unease into an unnecessary power struggle. There are lots of ways to offer support and condolences to the bereaved family so simply suggest something else, like writing a short sympathy card. 

6. Accompany your child. Having your support at an unfamiliar, emotional event like a Memorial Service helps model an important life skill- how being together at a time of sadness helps get us through. If you can, pair your attendance at the event with something nurturing, like a stop on the way home to get a snack or a treat.